Voldemort's Blog
by McAwsome
Summary: Lord Voldemort writes a blog. The other characters comment. Semi funny. Written while bored.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine.

a/n This is kind of a tie-in to some of my other stories, I am writing it as a way to inspire myself or part three of my three part thing that I'm trying to write. Read my other story(part one) The Break up for back ground inform ation if you need to. In fact, read it any way. I have just started posting (part two) The Break up. Please read it as well. R&R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_It's not really as long as it looks!_

**Voldemort's Blog**

Mood: Happy.

Hello, my name is Tom Marvolo Riddle, but you can call me Lord Voldemort. In fact, you'd better! Else I will e-crucio you, then com to your house and kill you while you sleep! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1

I am extremely happy today because my arch nemisis, Albus Dumbledore has been destroyed!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!! Let me tell you, the instant that I heard the news, I danced around the room singing!!!!!!!!!! You lose I win! You lose I win! LOL! In your face Dumbledore!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until, to my extreme displeasure, I discovered that the Potter Brat, and all of his stupid little friends had survived!

Then, on top of all of this, I learn that Dumbledore had been murdered by the wrong minion! I had left specific orders that the old buffoon was to be killed by Draco Malfoy, and no one else. Apparently, the sneaky little ferret somehow managed to ensure the assistance of Severous Snape, who was the one who ended up doing the deed. That just pisses me off!!!!!!!!1

I mean, how would you feel if you gave specific orders, for a specific deed to be done by a specific person, then found out that soneone else had done it?

Let me tell you, I was furious! I had to crucio Wormtail twenty seven times before I was able to calm down and think rationally.

I realized that even though that Potter Brat is still alive, and all of my best deatheaters are in Azkaban, there are still somethings I can be thankful for:

1. Albus Dumbledore is Dead! dances around singing (it does that to me every time I say it!)

2. Now I get to kill Draco Malfoy.

3. Ditto Severous Snape.

4. Maybe if I offer to spare her son's life, Narcissa Malfoy will divorce Lucius and marry me! And finally,

5. Wormtail makes the best cookies, and he is so much fun to torture. crucio's Wormtail see?

And that is why I am so supremly happy. Now I must sign off, I am a busy man, and I need my beauty sleep.

Lord Voldemort signs off.

**Comments:**

Bella4: My Lord, that was brilliant! No one blogs like you do. You are my hero! I am totally and completly honored to serve your amazing greatness!

Ratman: Master, thank you! From the bottem of my heart I thank you for that glorious complement concerning my cookies. I'm so very happy that you like them. I have just put a batch of your favorite kind into the oven, just come on in when your ready. thank you for the lovely crucios, they hurt magnificently.

Blueyedragon09: Hey Voldi, bestest Bloog ever! You is like the cooliest dawg eva!

AwesomePimpcane666: Voldemort! How could you even consider being with my wife? When have I ever been less than a good servant? Have I not done everything in my power to serve you? I am in Azkaban because of that service, and up until now I havent complained. Please reconsider.

GOLDnboy: Hey Voldy, you suck! I hope you get Bird flu!

**Replys**

To Bella4: I am honored that you admire me so. Please give my regards to your sister.

To Ratman: Wormtail you moron, get off of the computer and go make me some bloody cookies! You no good piece of crap!

To AwesomePimpcane666: Shut up and do your time Malfoy. And, just so you know, your pimp cane makes you look stupid, and your ponytail just makes you look gay.

To GOLDnboy: No, you suck! I hope you get Bird Flu! And SARS! And AIDS! And Breast Cancer! And Syphilis! And Gonarhea! And Herpies! And Crabs! And Poison Oak where the sun doesnt shine! And Diaper rash!!! I e-Crucio you!!!!!!!!!!1 Feel my wrath!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!11

To Blueyedragon09: Who are you?!1! Thanks for the review.

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a/n like I said, this is kind of a time killer in between stories. It's main purpose is to be homorous, and fun to write. PLEASE REVIEW ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine.

Mood: Angry.

Hello again my lovely readers, I am so glad that I have an outlet for my anger. Writing this blog and killing people is all that keeps me from going insane.

To day I am incredubly pissed off, yesterday was my birthday. My loyal friends and supporters gave me lots of books, they even threw a huge party. I mean, we partied like 21 year olds! But I did not get the one thing that I truly wanted. Nobody got me a pony! I WANT A FREAKING PONY!

On top of all this, my idiot minions were unable to kill that Potter Brat and his accomplice when they me in the dark ally. They were two 17 year old boys! Children! Is it really that hard to kill a child? I mean, get real people!

When Severous told me about the failure, I crucioed him. (I'll kill him later!). Then, when he left to go plan the next attack, I had to crucio Wormtail 40 times! 40! Man was I pissed.

Oh well, at least I am still undefeatable, no one knows that the locket is in the cave. Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111!!!!!!!!

Lord Voldemort OUT!

**Comments**

Bella4: That was magnificent my lord! It is such an honor to be able to read your blog. Sometimes it even makes me forget that I am on the run from the law, you are in love with my sister, and that my life sucks. Thank you.

Ratman: That was brilliant! Absolutly brilliant! I am so honored to have been mentioned in such a masterful peice of writing. I have made you some double chocolate brownies, they are cooling on the kitchen table

Blueyedragon09: BRILLIANT! I dont know how you do it, I love reading your bloog, it is totally awesome. Please keep blooging, we, (we being your loyal readers) think you rock!

LordoftheCookies: Dude, for a guy who wants to take over the world and kill lots of people, you sure do whine alot. Also, jyou really should see about choosing a new career path, the WORLD is MINE. This is a fair warning Voldemort, there is only one world, and there is not enough room for the two of us. If you insist apon fighting with me, I assure you, you will regret it. Toodles. LOTC

AwesomePimpCane666: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You suck! I'm not gay!

GOLDnboy: Hey Voldi, thank you so very much for the Bird Flu, and the SARS. The AIDS were particularly enjoyable. NOT. Seriously Voldeshorts, your threats suck. So do your deatheaters. I have sent you ten e-crucios. E-crucio, E-crucio, E-crucio, E-crucio.

**Replys**

To Bella4: I'm glad you like my blog.

To Ratman: Wormtail, thank you so much for the brownies, they were most excellent.

To Blueyedragon09: Thanks, I'm glad you like my bloog, what do you think of my blog? WHO ARE YOU?!

To LordoftheCookies: You dont stand a chance against me. I am THE Lord Voldemort, you cannot defeat/upstage/make me look bad! The world is mine. I e-crucio you!

To AwesomePimpCane666: No, YOU suck! Also, I talked to your wife, she agrees that the ponytail makes you look gay.

To GOLDnboy: HaHa loser, you cant count! You only sent 4 e-crucios. You promised me 10!!!!! I WANT MY E-CRUCIOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111

To be continued.

a/n I WAS BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!! REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine.

mOOD: rEALLY ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!111111111!!!!!!!!!

omg!!!!1111111111!!!! i AM SO FREAKING PISSED! aLL OF MY MINIONS ARE COMPLETE AND TOTAL MORONS!111111111!!!!!!!!

i GO AND TELL wORMTAIL TO DO ONE SIMPLE LITTLE THING. oNE! aND HE GOES AND BLOWS MY BLOODY HOUSE UP!!!!!!11111!

sERIOUSLY, i DONT KNOW WHY i CONTINUE TO PUT UP WITH wORMTAILS CRAP, i COULD EASILY FIND SMARTER MINIONS.

hEY!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tHATS A GREAT IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wELL, OF COURSE ITS A GREAT IDEA, i THOUGHT OF IT. i WILL USE THIS BLOG TO RECRUIT NEW MINIONS!!!!!111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lORD vOLDEMORT oUT!!111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Comments:

Bella4: I love being your minion!

Ratman: I said I was sorry!

Blueyedragon09: OMG! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!11111111!!!!!!! I LOVE YOUR BLOOG!!!!

Lordofthecookies: OMG!1 U R So freaking stupid!

SAM: Your stuck in caps lock.

AwesomePimpCane666: Is my wife there? Being your minion sucks! Now I'm in jail! DONT DO DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DONT HAVE SEX TIL YOUR MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOLDnboy:Now you're just pathetic.

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rEPLYS:

TO bELLA4: tHANK YOU.

TO rATMAN: tWO WORDS, cOOKIES! gROVELING! do them now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO bLUEYEDRAGON09:wHAT DOES rotflmao EVEN MEAN? aND i BELIEVE THAT THE WORD YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS blog. oNLY ONE "O".

TO lORDOFTHEcOOKIES: no! yOU'RE STUPID!

TO sam: i AM NOT STUCK IN CAPS LOCK YOU INSOLENT LITTLE TWIT!!!!!11111111!!!!!!!!!!!! i SEND YOU TWELVE E-CRUCIOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tO BE cONTINUED...

A/n REVIEW! rEvIeW ReViEw review RRRRRREEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. But the "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1" is. Proper grammer is so over rated.

Mood: Some what disturbed.

Hello all, I have some shocking news: there is a spy in our midst. This spy is reporting everything to the other side. Meaning, the spy serves those who are against me! If anyone knows anything about this spy, I demand that you tell me! This spy will die a very painful death. AND I LOOK FORWARD TO IT!!!!!!!!!111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a lighter note, I GOT A PUPPY! She is a tiny teacup chihuahua, and I have named her pshyco. Nagini doesnt like her much, but she's just going to have to get over that.

Psycho is so cute, she likes to sit on top of my head and shake. It feels weird, but she keeps my head warm.

Bye

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Comments

Bella4: Spys suck, I love dogs. My sister doesnt, she's allergic.

Ratman: Alright, the snake I can handle, but the dog has got to go! It peed all over my fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies!

Blueyedragon09: A PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love puppies! And I love your bloog!

Lordofthecookies: I am the spy.

GOLDnboy: Dude you suck! You didnt even have the courtesy to reply to my last comment you moronic bufoon! I hope your doggy gets bird flu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, I AM THE SPY.

NOT-THE-SPY: I am the spy.

SAM: Your e-crucios have been rejected, they are now on their way back. Also, I AM THE SPY.

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Replys

To Bella4: My dog doesnt have much fur, would your sister be able to handle that?

To Ratman: Chocolate is bad for dogs. Psycho is a good girl, she only pees on bad things.

To Blueyedragon09: Yes, puppies are cute. WHO ARE YOU?!!!11!!!!!!??

To LordoftheCookies: Who are you?

To GOLDnboy: No, you suck, I hope YOUR doggy gets bird flu!!! Who are you?

To NOT-THE-SPY: Who are you?

To SAM: OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! You are most evil. Would you assist me in my scheme to take over the world? OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

tO bE cONTINUED...

Review REVIEW rEvIeW ReViEw RRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. The Darth Vader voice isnt mine.

Mood: Totally Freakin' Pissed!

OMG! Physco is gone! Wormtail seems oddly pleased about this, Nagini seems oddly full.

Well, I'll tell you one thing, if Wormtail did anything to my poor wittle baby, I will crucio him until he goes insane. (Bella tells me that it only takes about 80 times).

Also, that stupid spy had been at it again! I told my loyal band of deatheaters that I wanted to kill the muggle prime minester, (though he is completly usless anyway, I simply wanted to turn the muggle world into complete chaos).

We show up to do it, only to find that he is being guarded by half of the order of the pheonix!

I WANT MY DOGGY!!!1!!

VoldEmort OUT!

Comments:

Bella4: My lord, it takes 80 times to drive a female insane, it only takes 75 for a male. Also, My sister cant stand any animal hair.

Ratman: Master, Check the oven.

Blueyedragon09: Awww! Poor puppy, I love your bloog, it makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it makes my butt hurt, it makes me hungry, it totally rocks! Please keep blooging Lord Voldemort, Get your Bloog On!

LordoftheCookies: (Darth Vader Voice) Voldemort, I have your doggy. (end Darth Vader voice) LOL! ROTFLMAO!

GOLDnboy: Forgive me father for I have sinned, you see, lately I have been having inappropriat feeling towards my enemy's dog. Just kidding, OR AM I?

NOT-THE-SPY: I am the spy! Mwahahahahahahaha

SAM: You are so freakin' stupid. I only returned the 12 e-crucio's that you sent me. Also,** I** am the spy.

Blueyedragon09: Me again, LOL, Cruci-O's would be a great cereal name!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Replys:

To Bella4: Thank you for the advice, but after checking the oven, I will not be needing it. Phsycho hid in the oven to have puppies! Also, I think I will shave them, Ask your sister how she feels about hairless animals.

To Ratman: Your sanity will be spared for now.

To Blueyedragon09: i AM WRITING A BLOG! B-L-O-G! What is a BLOOG? WHO ARE YOU?!!111111111111

to LordoftheCookies: You're mean!

To GOLDnboy: OMG!!1! WTF!!!1!!!!!!!1 (backs away slowly)

to NOT-THE-SPY: I **WILL** get you!

To SAM: Now you're just being mean.

To Blueyedragon09: Awsome idea! (gets patent)

To Be Continued...

RRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. YouTube is not mine

Mood: Annoyed.

I arrived at my lair from a fun night of torturing muggles, and headed up to my chambers with the intention of changing into my favorite pair of grey sweat pants, but here's the thing: I CANT FIND THEM!

So I run out of my room and start accusing everyone in sight of stealing my pants, when Wormtail, big idiot that he is, offers to make me some pizza.

My first reaction was to crucio him. When that was over, he started to walk away muttering something that sounded very much like

"No pizza for you then," so I crucioed him again, and while he was screaming and flailing about on the floor, I stomped on his hand and shouted,

"And make sure you use extra cheese!" so Wormtail scurried (LOL!) off to the kitchen, and I resumed my search for my missing _Pantelones._

I was digging through my drawers, throwing various items of clothing in every direction imaginable, when Wormtail brought me the pizza. In my extreme frustration, I crucioed him, just cause I felt like it. I then put the pizza down and went to search for my pants in another room.

After ransacking the entire house, (Err, LAIR) Severous (stupid Twerp) Snape walked in on me as I was digging through Bella's underwear drawer. Our conversation went something like this:

Snape: I dont want to know.

Me: Crucio!

Snape: OW!

After that was over, he held up a pair of ratty old grey sweatpants, CORRECTION, **MY **old grey sweat pants! I was about to crucio him again, when he informed me that I had left them in the bathroom, (Which I had already checked) I crucioed him, changed my pants, and went back to enjoy my pizza, which was **Cold**!!! (Note to self: Kill Wormtail!)

**Comments:**

Bella4:Why didnt you clean up after yourself? STAY OUT OF MY PANTIES! That didnt come out right, did it?

Ratman: If you had asked, I could have easily reheated your pizza.

Blueyedragon09: I dont get it! BUT I STILL LOVE YOUR BLOOD!

LordofTheCookies: You're really stupid.

GOLDnboy: LOL dude, LOL. ROTFLMAO!!!!

NOT-THE-SPY: -Snick- I took your pants, I shaved your mom on them.

SAM: LOL! I'm so glad I have that on camera!

**Replys:**

to Bella4: Dont say that in front of your sister!

to Ratman: Shut up and go make cookies Wormtail.

to Blueyedragon09: Dot Dot Dot.

to Lordofthecookies: I AM BLOCKING YOU! Hee hee hee!

to GOLDnboy: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!?

to NOT-THE-SPY: MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

to SAM: Please dont put it on YouTube!

**Comments:**

GOLDnboy: LOL means laughing out loud. ROTFLMAO means rolling on the floor laughing my arse/ass off. Honestly, you call your self a blogger.

SAM: Voldy, your mommy died many years ago.

Blueyedragon09: Ooh! Now I get it! SAM, thanks for sending the video! Now it all makes perfect sense! LOL! I love this bloog!!!!!!

To be continued...

REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Authors note (from McAwsome, not Lord Voldemort, just in case you needed the clarification) I know it's been a long time since I've updated this story. I actually didn't plan to, but as I was reading through some old papers, I discovered this, the last chapter. Thanks to everyone who still happens to want to read this, and I hope you enjoy. As always, READ, ENJOY, REVIEW, and then go tell all of your friends to do that same. Hope you all have a fantastic day!

!

Mood: Dead.

Well my faithful ones, we fought bravely.

Oh who am I kidding, you're all a bunch of bloody cowards! Bella? Killed by a Weasley? What the hell?

And Lucius, YOU TRAITOR! I can't believe I trusted you!

And then that Longbottem killed my Nagini! Now who am I going to cuddle with at night? I may be dead, but I have feelings you know!

RAWR!

Honestly, I suppose I have only myself to blame. Why don't I ever DOUBLE AK anybody?

Oh yeah, because it's never failed before! I can't believe I fell for the Potter brat's trick! He's a horrible actor! At the time I could have sworn I saw his chest rise, but since I'd just AK'd him I thought nothing of it. STUPID, STUPID ME! GAH!

No this my evil little friends, Potter may have one this time. The score my infact be Potter 2, me 0. BUT ( and consider that word underlined many times), I. WILL. BE. BACK.

Seriously. It's what I do.

Until that time, minions,

Voldemort OUT!

**COMMENTS**

GOLDnboy: and THAT'S how you defeat a Dark Lord.

**REPLYS**

To GOLDnboy: _comment flagged for inappropriate language._

El fin


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